Miscellaneous
HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same
email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to
communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become
friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does
so, she begins to gently caress is full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks.
"I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping
a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and
whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was
for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it,"
she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes
off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair
reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says,"What the heck was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse just phoned."
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every
time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us
that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a "CEILING FAN" Bruce
Lee's favourite breakfast?
Id Lee
What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
Tha Lee
What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over?
Kha Lee
What is Bruce Lee's favourite vegetable?
Mu Lee
What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law’s name?
Saa Lee
Bruce Lee's favourite festival?
Diwa Lee
Bruce Lee's favourite Music?
Quwa Lee
What is Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
Coo Lee
What is Bruce Lee's favourite hill station?
Kulu Manna Lee
When did Bruce Lee die?
Final Lee
How did Bruce Lee die?
With a Go Lee
What was Bruce Lee called after he died?
Dead-Lee
What was Bruce Lee called before he died?
Bruce Lee(Of Course!!)
A patient enters the dental office with a very bad tooth which he wants extracted.
The gruff old dentist states." I can take that out for you. It will cost
$50 without pain, or $100 with."
The patient looks strangely at the dentist and says, "I will have the tooth
removed without pain, thank you."
The dentist begins removing the tooth immediately and the patient begins to
squirm, in obvious pain and
the dentist says, "You better be quiet or it will cost you another 50 dollars."
A patient sits in the dental chair with severely fractured front teeth.
After discussing how they will be restored and what the fee would be the patient says,
" Before we begin, Doc, I gotta know: Will I be able to play the trumpet when
you are finished? "
The dentist replies " Sure you will! "
The patient replies " Great, I couldn't play a note before! "
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk
in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the
President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and
I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered
much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt
is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year
later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him!
We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private
conversation and broke the sad news.
"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear.
He's not really your father."
A man finds an old lamp, hoping for a miracle he rubs the lamp.To his surprise a
Ginie appears in front of him with folded hands and says 'What can I do for you my lord?'
The astonished man asks for a big house for himself, at which the Ginie laughs and says
'If I could give you a big home, do you think I would live in this lamp?'
Once a pretty lady entered a crowded bus. Finding no seat she requested a
young man to provide her a seat and added ,"You see , I am pregnant ." The
young man readily offered her his seat . After a while the young man furtively
glanced her abdomen and finding no sign of bulge asked her ," How many months
maam ? Promptly replied the lady , MONTHS ! NO NO , JUST 20 MINUTES.
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second
responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers ... those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when
the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT
An Idea + An Idiot = A Dotcom
One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896
Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a new business much like his own opened up
next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right,and announced
its arrival with an even larger sign,reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked,until he got an idea.He put the biggest sign of
all over his own shop...it read...MAIN ENTRANCE.
Once a man was lying on the beach looking up in the sky, soon he decided to
talk to god, he begged to god to grant him only one wish , looking at the
mans sincerity God granted him a wish. God asked " whats ur wish son", the
man said ,"God I wish you could make a bridge across this ocean to the next
country where I have to go for my business very often, So that I don't have
to spend a lot of cash for airways", God answered , "son, this wish of urs ,
is kinda difficult for me , cause its full of concrete and hard materials
which are not easily available, So ask for some other wish and I'll complete
it", the man thought for a while and said ,"God can you tell me , that what
goes on in a womans mind all the time , what does she actually mean when she
says, go away leave me alone, and what is she thinking when she is really quite
for sometime".... God thought for a long time and then he replied,"...mmmmm..
Son how do u want it to be , a one way or a two way bridge ?"....
Patient : Doctor, I've a terrible problem with me.
Doctor: What's that?
Patient : I think myself as a dog
Doctor : Since when?
Patient : Since i was a puppy
A man is giving a speech.He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally,he realises what he is doing and says,"I'm sorry I talked so long.I
left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room,"There is a
calendar behind you."
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven!" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little LeRoy, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the
teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss
for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked LeRoy
how he knew this. Little LeRoy replied, "Well, every morning my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in
there?'!"
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.......... A Long Island man
was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene
found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk
and cornflakes. Police suspect a cereal killer.
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful
mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really
good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ...
I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked
at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre
of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in
the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding
the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Maid: "What do you want, sir?"
Visitor: "I want to see your master."
Maid:"What's your business, please?"
Visitor: "There's a bill...."
Maid: "Ah! He left yesterday for his village.."
Visitor: "Which I have to pay him.."
Maid: "And he returned this morning."
A man came into the bar and ordered one whisky and when he had finished,
the barman said, " That's alright, no charge." The man was surprised but
delighted, so he ordered a sandwich and another whisky. When offered to
pay, the bartender said, "That's alright, no charge." "I don't get it,"
said the man astonished. "You see," explained the barman. My boss is
upstairs doing to my girl what I'm doing to his business downstairs."
HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew
we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years
beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few
minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive
was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went
through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest
at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had
to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife.
His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I
start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in
conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as
long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there
was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attachi [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled,
revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment
office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.
When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my
phone number. I called security,"
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he
was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why
he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then
reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured,
but I did need to get a new desk
Friend1 : Where did you born ?
Friend 2 : India.
Friend 1 : India? Which part?
Friend 2 : No, the whole body.
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems.
Give me the menu card.
Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull are grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion
in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order,
order, order" The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll
have a scotch and soda."
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only
thing you care to exercise
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to
grow in the middle
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,which
the father receives as
"Father, your daughter has been - successful in BED."
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram
to his wife "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."
Insults you can use - don't blame me if you get bashed up
1. Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!
2. They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that know.
3. Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.
4. I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.
5. I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.
6. Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?
7. Your mouth's the perfect size...for your foot.
8. I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.
9. Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.
10. Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.
11. You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.
12. You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.
13. You've made this date I won't forget...no matter how hard I try.
14. I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen
you, I wish I were blind.
15. You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.
16. "What are you doing Friday night?" "Trying to forget you just asked me that."
17. "What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"
1st thief: Oh the police are here. Quick Jump out of the window
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry this is no time for superstitions.
Subject: MEN
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think
we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice
and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money-and thank
God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants.
But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and
beat me till I'm half dead."
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he saw the CEO of
the company standing in front of the shredder machine with a piece of paper
in his hand. The CEO tells the executive "My assistant has just left & I
cannot get this thing to work. Can you help me ?"
The executive was pleased that the CEO asked him for help. He switched on
the machine, inserted the paper & pressed the Start button. As the paper
disappeared inside the machine the CEO said "Excellent. I need just one copy."
That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a pal seated next
to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been,
she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied.
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tell a woman
What do you call a female with half brain?
Gifted!
Resolving to surprise her husband, Hillary Clinton stopped by the Oval Office.
She found Bill with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage
or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
What is marriage?
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and
the woman gets her Masters.
* Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under
the man's eyes.
* Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffe-Ring
- The Endu-Ring
* Married life is full of excitement and frustration : - In the first year
of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
* Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you
wish you had ordered that.
? It's true that all men are born free and equal but some of them get MARRIED!
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Then again there was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defence.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,"Yes I am, I married
the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
What's the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton?
Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic...
There are three engineers in a car. An Electrical engineer, a Chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer,
not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified
and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a
suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the
windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"
A cannibal father and son were out looking for food one day. They were hiding
in the woods watching for people to walk by. First, a really skinny man walked
by and son asked, "How about him Pa?" "No boy, he's too skinny." said Pa. Then
a Really fat woman walked by. The son asked, "How about her Pa?" "No boy, She's
too fatty." said Pa. Then a really good looking young girl walked by and the
son asked "How about her Pa?" "Yep, we'll take her home and eat yer mother."
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do
something to scare me?"
ROMANTIC COUNTRIES
H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
P.E.R.U. - Phorget Everyone... Remember Us.
Top Reasons To Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one ever steals your chair.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically
asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I
like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry
done free. Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter
greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your
invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. "
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no
time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to
Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to
these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Diwali.
An elderly couple was visiting New York's fashion district when the wife
noticed her husband staring at the models in their short skirts and
revealing blouses.
"Henry," his wife said, "stop that! You look like you've never seen a woman's
legs or breasts before!"
"You know," he replied somewhat sadly, "I was just thinking the exact same thing myself."
Their once was a man and a woman that both got in a terrible car wreck. Both
of his & her vehicles were completely destroyed, buy fortunately, no one was hurt.
In thankfulness, the woman said to the man, 'we are both okay, so we should
celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, let's open it.'
So the woman got the bottle out of the car, and handed it to the man. The
man took a really big drink, and handed the woman the bottle. The woman
closed the bottle and put it down. The man asked, 'Aren't you going to take a drink?'
The woman cleverly replied, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here.'
Why did God create man before woman?
He needed a rough draft before he had a final copy.
If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the cheque. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your cheque
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because
his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained
that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be
taken personally.
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer. The
user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this pedal and nothing happened." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there
for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
when she pressed the power switch, she asked "WHAT POWER SWITCH?"
True story from a Novell Net Wire System Operator:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may help you?
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my Warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you
receive this as a part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X" on it." At this point the Tech Rep has to mute the caller,
because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
A man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing
an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. "Yo, Bob, I didn't
know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really?
How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
You're lost in the bush, it's Lion infested country and it's pitch dark, so
you can't see a thing. You have a map of the area, a candle, one match and
a cellphone. You desperately need to see the map and get an idea of how to
get into a safer area. You strike the match to light the candle but to your
horror the match breaks and is unusuable.. What do you do?
Answer: Call Azhar.. He fixes matches!
What would Glenn McGrath be if he was a Indian?
An all-rounder.
What is the main function of the Indian coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
What's the Indian version of a hat-trick?
Three runs in three balls.
When does the ball travel at its fastest in this Tour?
An Venkatesh Prasad delivery flying towards the boundary.
Why don't Indian fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
Because they never catch anything.
What's the Indian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
What do you call an Indian with 100 runs against his name?
A bowler.
What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.
Who has the easiest job in the Indian touring party?
The guy who removes the ball marks from the bats.
What did tendulkar say after the India-Australia match ?
Shaken but not stirred ...
Why were Indian batsmen looking forward to the
So they can at least say they passed a century.
Who spent the most time on the crease of anyone in the Indian touring party?
The lady who ironed the cricket whites.
Why are Indian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
Because they can get out without even trying. What does Srinath put in his
hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A bat.
"Daddy," said a six-year-old boy, "I'd like to get married."
"Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?"
"Yes," answered the boy. "Grandma."
"Now, wait a minute," said his father.
"You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!"
"Why not?" the boy asked. "You married mine."
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
Ek ladki COKE pi rahi hai. A fly is found in her coke. When she removes
the fly it gives birth to a baby fly and it dies. Now jab woh baby fly
aakhen kholti hai to ladki ko dekhke bolti hai " MAA!!!!"
To wo ladki bolti hai,mein teri maa nahi hoon phir tune mujhye maa kyun kaha?
"kyunke meine tumhare COKE se janam liya hai!!
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.
Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat
C++ Programmer:
If(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act
clearly states that...
Bill Gates :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person
If you love someone
don't set her free.
HR specialist
If you love someone
set her free by
Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.
MBA
If you love someone
set her free
instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she does'nt come back her id is supreme
If she does'nt go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she does'nt, you must be dreaming.
Rhett Butler
If you love someone
set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why
say you don't give a damn.
ERP functional expert
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she does'nt,carry out a gap-fit analysis
Finance expert
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back its time to look fresh loans
If she does'nt, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert
If you love someone
set her free
love shailyaaa malyaa
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
Stupid Question
1)In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high heeled shoes steps on your feet.
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Smart Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia, why don't you try again.
2)When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Smart Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife beating , insensitive lout... it's just the money.
3)When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Smart Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when
you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win.What do you think?
3)When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?
Smart Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
4)Someone smoking a cigarette
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke ?
Smart Answer:- No, it's a miracle,it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the
farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he
asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get
the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he
would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day
the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered
the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said,
"Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you
see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!" MATRIMONIALS
BEGGAR
Bhagwan ke nam pe koi ek biwi de de,
Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de,
Bhagwan tujhe ek ke badle do dega,
Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega
BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me
and credits me with her service.
PESSIMIST
Why do marriage and mirage rhyme?
Because both of them are misleading.
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom
and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college
graduate." the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He
then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after
paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is
dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to
be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to
wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries
his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and
says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are
also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over
his shoulder, "At Sun Microsystems, we don't piss on our hands "
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
How each of them withdraws cash at the ATM
Boys:
1. Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip
Girls:
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phonecard back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card
13. Insert Card
14. Look for make up Box (where secret code written) in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. #Cancel#
18. Re-enter code
19. #Cancel#
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
21. Enter desired amount
22. #Error#
23. Enter bigger amount
24. #Error#
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take cash
28. Go back to the car
29. Check make up in rear mirror
30. Look for keys in handbag
31. Start car
32. Drive 50 meters
33. STOP
34. Drive back to bank machine
35. Go out of the car
36. Take card and ticket back from machine
37. Go back to the car
38. Throw card on passenger seat
39. Throw slip on the floor
40. Check make up in rear mirror
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said
to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible
a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it." A month later the
boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father
said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the
bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment
and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had
long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
Man:Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman:Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!
Here some true points about moods of a woman. Check it out.
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction..
a Woman is a bundle of contradictions
Woman's afraid of a wasp, Will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her husband alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, She'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed.
She'll pick up the tea-pot and throw it at his head.
Beautiful and keen sighted yet blind,
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind.
She'll call him a king and then make him a clown.
Raise him on a pedestal, then throw him flat down.
She inspires him to deeds that ennoble man,
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away she'll be on his tracks
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She is stronger than brandy, milder than milk
AT TIMES REVENGEFUL, MERRY AND SAD,
SHE HATES YOU LIKE POISON, BUT LOVES YOU LIKE MAD.
Letter from a College going daughter
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness In not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my Dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my
jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he
was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited
me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's
really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and
we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't
set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The
reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our
family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is
ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know
your expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that
his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as
I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is
an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a
"D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks
in the proper perspective
Your loving daughter,
Two fools were quarelling:
1st fool : you know there is going to be a war between India and Bharat!
2nd fool : why should we worry? we live in hindustan!
Two little boys were arguing. "My father is better than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after
I die I want you to marry Mr Drone." "Drone ! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Wife :You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Man : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
Woman : Why not ??
Man : I'm broke.
Woman : Say you love me! Say you love me!
Man : You love me...
Woman : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
Man : Sure, what's your phone number??
Man : I love you and I could die for you!
Woman : How soon??
Man : I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman : Yes, but would you stay there??
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man :By cheque, money order or cash.
Sam :I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I'm comfortably seated.
Lily :So what do you do?
Sam :I close my eyes.
Man:I'm a photographer.i've been looking for a face like yours!
Woman:I'm a plastic surgeon.i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
Man:Hi!didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
Woman:Must've been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!
Man:May i have the pleasure of this dance?
Woman:No,i'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
Man:How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman:I must've been given your share!!!
Man:Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Woman:It's hot!!!
Man:I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman:Okay,but would you stay there?
Man:Will you come out with me this Saturday?
Woman:Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!
Man:I think i could make you very happy
Woman:Why,are you leaving?A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at
the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you
desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived
all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days
later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets
them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All
our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with
brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run
anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a
beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check
and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God
gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat
yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And
those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came
across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle
of each was an arrow."Who is this incredibly fine archer?". cried the duke.
"I must find him!"After continuing through the forest for a few miles he
came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy
admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the
targets."You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into
the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly."No my Lord. I shot them from
a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.""That is truly astonishing,
" said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him
profusely."But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You
must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.""Well," said the
boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
Corporate Talk
Helping you figure out those slick glossies from
companies recruiting here are what they actually mean.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTATED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
One day Bill Clinton is riding in his Limousine and he said to the driver,
"You know, I used to love driving very much when I was young, and I haven't
done it for a long time. Why don't you let me drive for once."
The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the president."
So the driver pulls over and they change places.
Bill was having fun, zooming down the freeway, dodging and overtaking cars.
After a while the driver taps on the window and tells Bill, "Mr. President,
slow down a bit. You're doing over a hundred and fifty miles an hour."
Bill says, "ah, don't worry about it, I'm the President. "
So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast.
fter a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and Bill
rolls down the tinted window and says:" Do you know who I am?"
The cop sees the President and says, "oh, I, eh, sorry, can you hold on a minute?"
Bill says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station.
He says, "guys I just pulled over someone very important, and I need advice on how to handle this."
They ask who, "The mayor?"
"No, much more important."
"The governor?"
"More important."
"The President?"
"No, even more important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I don't know, but Bill Clinton is his chauffeur."
Imagine if you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?
Why is it called building when it is already built?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal,
except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors
and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents.
He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from
his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tinyfingers to check
if his hand was all right, and guess what he found? The birth control pill.
One day a man was driving in his car when he heard a news on the radio" mad
driver on highway 13 rushing in the wrong direction". He suddenly remembered
that his wife was on the same highway and he told her "darling beware there
is a car coming in the wrong direction". To this his wife screamed theres
not 1 there are many coming the wrong way.
A three year old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On
returning home,he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom!".
Rahul : Why are you crying Vivek?
Vivek ( crying ) : My factory got burnt last night.
Rahul : Oh!! Very sorry to hear that. By the way what does your factory make.
Vivek ( crying ): Fire extinguishers!!
PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There's no place like http://www.home.com
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
GREAT Abbreviations
AOL - Always Off Line
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash;If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
NT - Network Tragedy
DNS - Does Nothing Special
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
and finally ..................
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our software Only Fools Them
What have Indian Mythological characters got to do with IT?
Here are their Roles
Narada- Data Transfer
Brihaspathi- Chief Information Officer.
ChitraGupta- Personnel Records
Yama - ReOrganisation Consultant.
Brahma - Systems Installation
Vishnu- Tech Support
Shiva - Power syatems support & anti virus specialist
Ram - Hardware Support
Apsaras- Downloadable Viruses
Devas- Programmers
Surya - Unix System Adminstrator.
Lakshmi- Manager ; Trading Systems
Arjun- Lead Programmer (all Companies are dying for him)
Draupadi- Front Desk Receptionist ALSO - ShareWare Document.
Bhima - Office Boy (usually, carries Mainframes Around the Organisation)
Vishwamitra- Chief Advisor
Lakshman- Junior Hardware Engineer under the mentoring of Ram
Rakshasas- In house Hackers
Who is that guy who enlightens others?
Laltenwalla
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter
was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said `That's once.`
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, `That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife
promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me
and quietly said, `that's once. `On the first day of University, the Dean
addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the
male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are
there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently
accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his
pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and
left it there all night.
Two children were sitting outside a clinic.
One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: "Why are you crying?"
1st Child: "I came here for blood test".
2nd Child: "So? Were you afraid?"
1st Child: "No but for the blood test, they cut my finger and that hurt."
Hearing this the second child started crying. The first one was surprised
and asks, "Why are you crying now?"
2nd Child: "I've come here for my urine test!"
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army
and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions,
handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired
several shots at the target which was fifty yards away. The report came
from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the
target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at
the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger
over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand. The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the
target area... "It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a
message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never
appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its
hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait
for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of
blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully
approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was
no sign of the lion.
"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as
good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is
in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a
question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question
until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen
feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he
stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
A secretary, a programmer and a project manager in AMDOCS are walking
through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I
usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the programmer. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas
and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the project manager. The PM says, "I want
those two back in the office right after lunch."
The history of the Presidency of the United States has been a popular topic
of many academics and amateurs alike. Americans, as a country, have been
indeed very fortunate to have the various Presidential libraries as a
repository for the invaluable records of in depth research.
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the
Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library, the George Bush Library,
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
A wife is that wonderful woman who stands by her husband through all the
trouble he wouldn't have had to face if he would have only stayed single
in the first place.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him
how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day,
he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella
instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
the doctor queried.Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued,
"The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by
arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping
with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but
the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
US was had succeded in mission apollo 11 and was great time as people around
the world was watching for the great historic event Live over TV. The Built
in camera of the ship was focussiing the terrain of the moon and man was about
to step on place where nobody has ever done before.
Neil had steeped on the moon and had just finished saying whatever came to
his mind and was exited to be the first man on moon but just then he
spotted two shaks not far from him and curiously wanted to explore it as
this could be another great moment for him, he jumped and hopped to the
shaks to find two indian shops written on them was "Gill Spare Parts" &
"Tambi cutting center".
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
20 kgs
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
A man needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use.
So, he stood to the side and waited until it was free, thinking it would only
be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing
there holding the phone to his year but not saying a word.
Ten minutes later, he was still not talking.
Fifteen minutes later, he still wasn't talking.
Finally, the waiting man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could
use the phone. "I really won't be long and I really need to make a short, but
important call."
"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the
receiver. "I'm talking to my wife." A blonde and a redhead are watching the
6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in
the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will
jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had,
indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for
having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she
does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The
redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw
the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay,"
the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
What does a blonde say after she graduates from college?
"Hi, welcome to McDonalds."1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and
if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children,
decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Ek chuha Ek sher ki shaadi mein jam ke bhangra kar raha tha.
Ek bande ne puchha, "kyon yaar shaadi sher ki ho rahi hai
aur khhushi tumko ho rahi hai, ye kaise?"
Chhuha bola ,"Khushi kyon nahin hogi , Mere bhai ki shaadi jo hai!"
"Sher tera bhai kaise ho sakta hai ?", us bande ne puchha.
Chhuha bola,"tujhe Pata nahin , Shaadi se pehle mein bhi sher tha!" |